Week Four: Share Without Pretending

So what does it mean to share without pretending?  As I began studying this topic, I quickly realized that there were a lot of differing opinions as to what it actually means and there were a lot of different directions that we could go.  But, I want to find out for myself what God’s word says about this, and being that I most certainly do not have the gifting of a teacher, it’s a little scary to dive in and start from scratch.  Having said that, the Bible says that when we seek God, we will find Him.  So, I’m looking forward to where God is going to meet us throughout the next week.

“When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.  Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I’ll make sure you won’t be disappointed.” GOD’s Decree.

~Jeremiah 29:13

Sharing without pretending…let’s start by defining some terms.

• The word share(-ing) means:  to partake of, use, experience, occupy, or enjoy with others; to distribute, to grant.
• The word pretend(-ing) means:  to give a false appearance of being, possessing, or performing; to claim, represent, or assert falsely.

When I put those together, here’s the definition I came up with…

Sharing without pretending means the ability to give, experience, and enjoy someone or something with others without representing ourselves (or our motives) as something that we (they) are not.  In essence, it’s taking off the social mask and walking in transparency…in the truth of who we really are…not who we’d like to be or who we think others want us to be.   It’s sharing our true selves with others…our strengths, our struggles, our victories, and our defeats.

Did that make anyone else’s heart start to race just a little?  I don’t know about you, but I’ve heard lots of speakers/authors address this topic of “taking off the masks” and “living in the freedom of transparency.”  While I’m sure that God used what they shared to touched the hearts of many in those various settings, I more often than not found myself sitting there thinking, “that sounds great and I love the concept, but you just don’t understand…you don’t know where I have been or the roads I have walked…you don’t get the excruciating pain that lies just barely under the surface that I have fought most of my life to bury just so I can breathe and function…you don’t know the things I have done…the thoughts I have thought…the hurt I’ve experienced…the things that have been done to me…the choices I’ve made…the judgments…the shame…and now you’re asking me to rip the band aid off, lay it all out exposed for all to see…and then what?

See, I think that’s the question that often doesn’t get answered when this topic comes up.  Once we expose all of this stuff and we are standing there in our brokenness and our shame, then what???  What’s next?  What am I supposed to do with all of that once I let it out?  How do I go about the business of healing?  How do I start re-building?  How do I practically do things differently?  Who’s going to walk on that journey with me?  How do I deal with questions and obstacles?

If you’re anything like me, those are all the unanswered questions that kept me stuck in a never-ending cycle of performance and “pretending” and resulted in a lot of surface level relationships and keeping people at arm’s length out of a need to self-protect. But here’s the thing…all of that was driven by two things:  1) A lack of clearly understanding who God is and how much He loves me, and 2) A fear of rejection which is one of Satan’s most powerful and effective tools that he uses to keep us isolated and stuck.

This week, we’re going to take a look at the lies that we believe that keep us in those places of pretending.  We’re going to uncover the truth about what God really thinks of us and what He desires from us.  And we’re going to (as Dr. Phil says) put some verbs in our sentences as we learn how to extend these same truths along with huge amounts of grace and love in our relationships with others.

Let me leave you with this question today and please feel free to comment as we get this conversation started:

• What has kept you from taking off those “pretend” masks in your relationships with others?

~Kris Samovitz

Protector of Our Hearts

This life....well it’s very challenging isn't it?  The last couple weeks I've been reading about Jesus…how He came here with a focus of salvation…how He conveyed His message with the Hope of being able to overcome this world and the evil in it. His heart cried out to the people, especially those hurting, physically or mentally.

He knows that when we fight with our words or desperately try to defend ourselves that there is pain…sometimes very deep pain. Just as Jesus had people voice their physical ailments, He wants us to voice our broken hearts to Him.

Today, I want to offer hope for all of us with broken hearts. Imagine with me, Jesus… standing over us just as He did with Simon Peter's mother-in-law as she burned up with fever.

“Jesus left the synagogue and went to the home of Simon. Now Simon's mother‑in‑law was suffering from a high fever, and they asked Jesus to help her. So he bent over her and rebuked the fever, and it left her. She got up at once and began to wait on them.” 

~Luke 4:38, 39 (NIV)

Jesus could've healed her from the doorway, but He chose to get close. Not only that, but He bent down close to her and offered healing.  He offers us that healing, He bends over us and He gently whispers, "I've taken this all for you, I've paid the price and now I am your defender. But, you must let go."

I just want to encourage you to continue on this journey of love, but also to realize that when we love the way He does, it does open the door for rejection and hurt. But the good news is that as we abide in Him, our Protector has our heart in His hands and He knows and understands our pain on a very personal level.  He wants to bring healing to our hearts and to restore what has been lost if we will let Him.

I pray for all of us, for courage and strength as we fulfill the New Law in love.

~Jeri Heintz

A Life of Freedom

“It is absolutely clear that God has called you to a free life. Just make sure that you don't use this freedom as an excuse to do whatever you want to do and destroy your freedom. Rather, use your freedom to serve one another in love; that's how freedom grows. For everything we know about God's Word is summed up in a single sentence: Love others as you love yourself.   That's an act of true freedom. If you bite and ravage each other, watch out—in no time at all you will be annihilating each other, and where will your precious freedom be then?”

~Galatians 5:13-15 (MSG)

Why are we as Christians supposed to focus so much on love? There are several different reasons that we are given in the Bible. One of them is that the world will know we are His disciples by our love. The passage above in Galatians is pretty enlightening too. Paul says here that everything we know about God's word is summed up in "love each other as yourself."  Paul makes another interesting statement…

"The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love."

~Galatians 5:6

The "new law" is not a bunch of rules that we keep to show how religious we are, it is simply, "love one another".

~ Jeri Heintz

Submitting to Authority

I can relate to all of what this gal writes about in this blog. I especially like what she says about how doing our relationships the way God has designed, always works.  Submitting and honoring anyone who has authority over me is commanded and is beneficial to me.

“We Don’t Argue Anymore” 

By, April Cassidy, “Peacefulwife”

http://peacefulwife.com/2012/08/04/we-dont-fight-anymore/ 

Let me say that “fighting” or arguing for us was pretty one-sided  before God opened my eyes to all that was truly involved with respect and biblical submission. (Keep in mind, I used to think I WAS obeying God’s commands to respect and submit to my husband. But I probably only saw about 3% of what was truly involved in obeying God’s Word about that stuff!) 

OUR OLD WAY OF DEALING WITH CONFLICT 

(I really do not enjoy sharing the spiritual “before” pictures of myself. But I know that it must be done. I pray that God might use my awful sin from earlier in our marriage to bring great glory to Himself. He alone changed my heart, life and marriage. And I thank Him every day!) 

I would tell my husband what to do and he would often ignore me.  Usually, I wanted him to do something about whatever the issue was RIGHT THEN. I was VERY impatient.
I knew I was “right”.  So I would insist on my way and demand that he do what I wanted… And he would ignore me more. Usually, he’d watch tv and just keep looking at it and act like I wasn’t even in the room. So I would increase the volume more and start to feel VERY angry. I would NOT drop the issue – EVER. 

Sometimes I would wait for an answer – you know – all of 5 minutes. Then I would demand an answer. And he would continue to ignore me. I would emotionally and verbally blow up. 

Sometimes I would wait up to 30 minutes – on my SUPER “godly” days – sitting there impatiently scowling at him the whole time, watching the minutes tick by on the clock, angry that he wouldn’t JUST TELL ME what his answer was! What was so hard about that? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM?????? He had no communication skills at all, right? I thought he would know what he thought immediately like I did. And if I had refused to answer someone after more than about 30 seconds, it would mean I was the most unloving person on the planet. So I was sure my husband was extremely unloving and really needed God to FIX him! 

Then I would get REALLY ANGRY and say something about how ridiculous it was that he couldn’t even give me an answer to a simple question (in a scolding mama tone of voice) – and I had waited ALL THAT TIME. And I would storm off full of anger, baffled, hurt, confused and convinced that HE NEEDED TO CHANGE. Look at what an unloving, difficult man I had to live with! He was IMPOSSIBLE! 

Then he would stay shut down and I would fume and the entire day would be ruined.
The whole time, my husband was protecting himself from and reacting to MY disrespect.  I didn’t see it at all.  It’s hard for me to fathom now how blind I was then.  But there is NO WAY I would treat my husband like that now that I can see the damage and destruction I was causing!

Making Things New

“Where do you think all these appalling wars and quarrels come from? Do you think they just happen? Think again. They come about because you want your own way, and fight for it deep inside yourselves. You lust for what you don't have and are willing to kill to get it. You want what isn't yours and will risk violence to get your hands on it.”

~James 4:1-2

“Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife.”

~Proverbs 17:1 (NIV)

Back a few years ago when my husband and I decided to put forth the effort to have a godly marriage, something really interesting happened to me and I'll never forget it. We had just had a fight and I was still fuming from it and I yelled out in frustration to God, "Why does there have to be so much strife?!?!" Right away I noticed something strange because I never use the word “strife,” so it really made me pay attention to that word.

That day, I looked up things about strife and I did a word study on it. I found out that the root word for strife comes from the same root word for pride.  Wow, that hit me like a ton of bricks. Up to that point, I had not seen my arguing as a pride issue.  I knew God was talking to me and my life changed after that day. I am so happy that God loves to make things new and He teaches us so many things.

~Jeri Heintz

Light Thru the Darkness

I am so overwhelmed with feelings of joy because of Christmas!   Immanuel chose to become a baby and because of that, He, Immanuel, lives inside of me and gives me the power, the courage and the energy to love as He does. The magnitude of that is hard to wrap my brain around!

I thought of something today as I was praying about this post.  As I write these posts, I tend to think that everyone struggles with the same things I do. I want to apologize for anything I've said that makes anyone feel like I'm putting you inside my little box of "me". I have a pretty tainted background of…well, I'll just call it darkness. It felt like a hopeless dark pit that got deeper and deeper with each year.   When I read about David being rescued from the pit in Psalm 40, it puts tears in my eyes to think of my Rescuer taking me out from under that darkness and shining His light into my life.

This week's focus of answering without arguing is SO HARD for me!! I just have to speak up for myself, “Uggghhhhh!” It is so hard! But, the times that I can overcome and just listen and answer without an argument, there is so much more peace and I've become quite a fan of that peace!

I'm going to leave you all with a couple verses.   My prayers are with you as you seek the Lord for changes in your life.

“Bridle your anger, trash your wrath, cool your pipes—it only makes things worse. Before long the crooks will be bankrupt; God-investors will soon own the store.”

~Psalm 37:8, 9 (MSG)

“I can do all things through him who strengthens me.”

~Philippians 4:13 (ESV)

~Jeri Heintz

Week Three: Answer Without Arguing

Have you ever asked yourself, "Why do I have so much fear in relationships?". Fear can mask itself in many ways and often times it comes out as anger.

Going through these "8 Ways To Love" can just give us practical ways to implement a healthy, godly way to love.  John tells us in 1 John 4:18 that perfect love casts out all fear. The only way to live out perfect love is by the power of Jesus living in us and when we study His word and how He loved, then we can begin to love the way we were designed to and that is when fear has to leave.

I vividly remember when God rushed into my life 5 years ago, I was loving the way the world does and it is very self-seeking. I also remember reading this verse and being very confused because I thought I loved my husband, but I also remember living and loving out of fear and I decided I didn't want to live that way anymore. I cried for the vision of a marriage I desperately wanted…a love with my man that wasn't selfish, that I would always put him first…and I prayed a lot!

I had some faith, but it felt like I had more doubt. We had lived that way too long, but my desires were so strong that I fought for it.  I read so many practical things to do and read about love in the Bible every day and slowly, I began to see beautiful miracles happen in our lives. The power of His word and prayer together cannot be bridled, it just explodes!

That is the whole purpose of the “8 Ways to Love” series…that our readers can just have some practical ways of implementing God's way of loving into our relationships. Maybe your situation is different, but I know that ALL of us struggle in relationships whether it's with family members, co-workers, friends or other believers.

Satan tries so hard for us to stay at odds with one another.  But why?  Why is it so important to him?

“Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”

~Matthew 18:19-20

Satan knows the power of us agreeing with one another. So, the next time you want to argue about something, think about ganging up on Satan instead, because he is the real enemy.

~Jeri Heintz

An Unspoken Promise

“So Hannah ate. Then she pulled herself together, slipped away quietly, and entered the sanctuary. The priest Eli was on duty at the entrance to God's Temple in the customary seat. Crushed in soul, Hannah prayed to God and cried and cried—inconsolably. Then she made a vow: Oh, God -of-the-Angel-Armies, If you'll take a good, hard look at my pain, If you'll quit neglecting me and go into action for me By giving me a son, I'll give him completely, unreservedly to you. I'll set him apart for a life of holy discipline. It so happened that as she continued in prayer before God , Eli was watching her closely. Hannah was praying in her heart, silently. Her lips moved, but no sound was heard. Eli jumped to the conclusion that she was drunk. He approached her and said, "You're drunk! How long do you plan to keep this up? Sober up, woman!" Hannah said, "Oh no, sir—please! I'm a woman hard used. I haven't been drinking. Not a drop of wine or beer. The only thing I've been pouring out is my heart, pouring it out to God . Don't for a minute think I'm a bad woman. It's because I'm so desperately unhappy and in such pain that I've stayed here so long." Eli answered her, "Go in peace. And may the God of Israel give you what you have asked of him." "Think well of me—and pray for me!" she said, and went her way. Then she ate heartily, her face radiant.”

~1 Samuel 1:1-19 

Opposite genders…sometimes we just can't relate to them can we? The priest in this story doesn’t have a clue of what Hannah is going through. She has pain that literally hurts the heart.   Most women can understand, but anyone who has gone through this, truly knows Hannah's suffering.

I love how this story ends though. She tells the priest why she has so much sorrow and then she asks him to pray for her. Redemption just took effect.  Eli blesses her and she walks away able to eat again and radiant with joy. She was given an unspoken promise in her heart at that moment by the God who hears and when it was time to visit the Temple the next year, Hannah stayed home with her baby boy and eventually gave him to the Lord to serve in the Temple.

Even though we set our hearts to do the right thing and not accuse in our speech, it will happen. We've seen the last two days though through His Word that once we realize the mistake we've made, our next step is crucial if we want restoration to happen.

I love the story of Hannah! She was an incredible woman who was willing to return back what was never hers.  This is such a challenge to moms and such a wonderful thing to remember that when we come to him with purity of heart-He blesses us. Not always in the way that we might think, but there is always abundant blessing that fills us up!

I pray Father, for humility to make the right choices when I vomit words.

~Jeri Heintz

A Picture of Grace

On day two, this verse was touched on and I wanted to give another biblical example of praying for others who have sinned against us.

“If anyone sees his brother commit a sin that does not lead to death, he should pray and God will give him life. I refer to those whose sin does not lead to death. There is a sin that leads to death. I am not saying that he should pray about that.”

~1 John 5:16 (NIV)

A great example of this in the Old Testament is the book of Job. Job was a righteous man in God's eyes and He wanted to prove it to Satan by allowing a series of catastrophes in his family and finally, by allowing Job to be stricken with a very painful disease. Job literally loses everything except for his wife. Later in the story, Job has three friends who come to console him. It ends up that his friends, with their human instinct, tell Job he must have sin in his life because there's no other logical reason for all these terrible things to happen. These men accuse Job of terrible things and the accusations go on and on and on. In the end, God tells Job's friends to ask for forgiveness and because Job prayed for them, God will forgive them.  I think this is a great example for us when we are wronged and are trying to decide what to do.

“So now take seven bulls and seven rams and go to my servant Job and sacrifice a burnt offering for yourselves. My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly. You have not spoken of Me what is right, as my servant Job has.” So Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite did what the Lord told them; and the Lord accepted Job's prayer. After Job had prayed for his friends, the Lord made him prosperous again and gave him twice as much as he had before.”

~Job 42:8-10 (NIV)

Not only does God promise to forgive Job's friends, once Job prays for his friends, He restores Job's life and makes him prosperous once again. I’ve given you a very brief synopsis of this 42nd chapter of the book, but it is a great book to study to learn about relationships with other believers.

~Jeri Heintz

Humility Breeds Grace

I have a confession to make....I don't like admitting that I'm wrong.  Can anyone relate? It just seems that we girls, when it comes to our house, our kids, our territory, we know everything that goes on, right?

Well, something happened the other day to me that really taught me a good lesson and it goes right along with accusing when we speak. I know y'all are reading this now because we just need to hear this kind of stuff, right? Not that we need to hear about people's negative behavior, we just need to know we aren't the only ones misbehaving.

Anyway, I accused my husband of letting our dogs outside and it really irritated me because I had just let them in. Let me redeem myself just a little here cuz that sounds pretty silly. It's pretty wet here so this time of year I try to limit how long the dogs are out so they don't track in too much mud. See how I am?  I'm already making excuses. Haha! But, I got caught that day and there was no denying it. Jim stared back at me like, "What the heck are you talking about?" That was when I realized I had left the door ajar and the dogs went out on their own. It wasn't a nice accusation either, like "Honey, how come the dogs are outside?" No, it was, "Why did you let the dogs out!!?"

I owned up to my mistake right away, I tucked my tail between my legs and begged for forgiveness. I didn't make excuses either (my learned behavior).  The really cool thing about all of this was Jim's normal reaction would have been to be a little put out and I might have had to earn my redemption. Five years ago, we might not have spoken to each other for days. But he looked at me so sweetly and said, "Isn't it silly how WE say things like that?"  Wow! That floored me, and almost brought tears to my eyes!

I'm telling you girls, EVERY single time I have humbled myself and owned up to my mistakes, God honors it and I receive grace from my husband. His ways always work, every single time. Even when they don't appear to be, they are, you can count on it. I'm having a blast learning how to love the way God wants me to!

~Jeri Heintz

Listening to Hearts

"Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear."

~James 1:10 (MSG)

I really like this gal's statement of not having a conversation with the idea of "winning".

"#2) Speak without accusing. (James 1:19)
Hmmmm.  Principle #2 of the 10 ways to love is a sound one.
I wonder how I am at it.  I am well aware, intellectually, how crucial it is to effective communication to use "I" statements instead of sentances starting with "You".  People's ears shut off when they are confronted with a You statement.  They feel accused.  Better to diagnose and reveal one's own feeling about the situation at hand than to accuse the other:  "I feel  __________ when you _________".   

I want to do this well.  AND I also want to speak my truth.  Affirmatively, confidently, with no apologies.  I guess that goes with owning my feelings and taking responsibility, even and especially when there is imperfectness.  Messiness.   

In my heart, I think I really get the part about not needing to be the one that "wins".  I hope I am always looking for how all parties can feel validated, heard.  One learning is that I haven't done this well in the past.  I've been told.  (And I heard it :) 

I am only beginning to see my pattern for being risk-adverse in communication.  Hesitant to confront conflict.  Paul says that people often refrain from telling their true feelings because, ultimately, they fear the other person walking away in response.  Hmmmm. 

So, my self-help lessons out of this one to remind myself: 

• Remember to use I statements
• Speak your truth
• Acknowledge other viewpoints so the other person feels heard 

Today's verse:  

“Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters. Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude.” ~1 Peter 3:8 (NLT) 

I have been realizing, particularly with very chatty friends, that whether or not I get to 'say something' it doesn't matter - because people do not like to be interrupted and to really love those friends I just need to listen and not even formulate a response or try to help them 'solve their problems' (which is one of my biggest faults in conversation) - according to 1cor 13 I need to treat others as more important than me - what better way to see beneficial fruits of patience, love, and self-control than to practice true, interested listening.  I so just want to love on people so that His Spirit is evident and glorified. This will help me to be a more effective intercessor also because of listening not just to words spoken, but what the heart is conveying." 

http://susanamy.blogspot.com/2011/10/2-speak-without-accusing-james-119.html?m=1

Intentions of the Heart

“Brothers, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you–who are you to judge your neighbor?”

~James 4:11, 12 (NIV)

This verse reminds me that God is the only One who knows the intent of someone's heart. James says here that when I judge or accuse someone else that I am judging the law…Gods law. Does this also mean that if I judge someone in my heart, that I am still making a judgment or accusation even if it's not spoken outwardly?  Jesus states this clearly:

"You don't get wormy apples off a healthy tree, nor good apples off a diseased tree. The health of the apple tells the health of the tree. You must begin with your own life-giving lives. It's who you are, not what you say and do, that counts. Your true being brims over into true words and deeds.”

~Luke 6:43-45 (MSG)

Maybe if I start at the heart level, it will not come out in spoken words.  Hmmmmm, something to dwell on…what do you think?

~Kris Samovitz

Week Two: Speak Without Accusing

I am convinced that as we move through these 8 weeks, we will see miracles happen in our lives, hearts, and minds.

This week's message on love seems similar to last week’s.  Often times when I interrupt, it  is because I'm actually making an accusation. I never really thought of it that way before. I have to hand it to all of you moms out there with children at home because there is a fine line between godly discipline and making accusations in dealing with young ones, and I’m sure you will experience those situations this week.  I look back on my days of having young daughters at home and there were a lot of accusations in my speech. Thankfully, however, kids are so gracious and forgiving of their parents and I thank God for that every day!!  Somehow, my children believe I was the best mother on the planet and of course, I humbly accept that and don't dwell on the possible pain I might have inflicted on them in my own brokenness.

I would love it, if some of you moms out there who have a little bit of a handle on this with your children would make a few suggestions as to how we can better handle discipline without making accusations.  Like some others of you, I have a different opportunity to implement this not so much with regards to discipline, but more with the way I listen and communicate with my husband and the people at work.

I know that taking a deep breath and prayer ALWAYS works for me coupled with humility. When I get stuck in a situation of not knowing what to do, I try to remind myself that love covers a multitude of sins.

“My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”

~James 1:19, 20 (NIV)

Thoughts for Discussion 

1. There are many scriptural admonitions to be "slow to speak." Slowing down is a first step. Once we do speak, we want to ensure that our speech is always "with grace, seasoned with salt." (Colossians 4:6, NKJV). As a preservative, salt maintains what is good. When we speak (particularly to our children) we want to do the same: focus on and highlight the positive. Use the "sandwich" technique: compliment, tackle the issue, compliment. 

2. Something that I am trying to continually ask myself is what is my motivation? With my kids, I can say things out of frustration that do not build them up, but rather tear them down and when my words are coming from that place, I run the risk of hurting them and writing things on their hearts that I do not mean. Having said that, if I take a moment to collect myself and can sit down and really speak to them about correction, I can do so in a loving way that does build them up and conveys God's love for them. Sometimes if it's an especially bad day or I'm at my wit's end, I might need to come back to that conversation the next day or a few hours later and I'm learning that it's okay to do that. I can say that we'll talk about the consequences later and give myself that break to get into a better place rather than pushing the issue in the moment.
But even in my relationships as an adult and especially with the social networking tools that are at our fingertips such as facebook and twitter out there, we can sometimes spew things out that we regret later, but it's already out there and we can't take it back. So again, for me it's always about motivation...am I saying or typing something to punish someone...to make them feel guilty? Am I trying to make a point? What is it that I'm using my words to accomplish? This is a verse that I use to measure my words against that is really helpful for me. Do I fail sometimes? Absolutely...but the more I stop and "be still" before I speak, the less I have to confess and seek forgiveness for later. 

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." 

~Philippians 4:8 

3. I was semi-ranting at my older girls when they were about 7 & 9 and they were just staring at me, sort of gaping. LOL I said "for all you're listening I might as well be speaking Greek!" and a little voice inside me said "then maybe you should be quiet." From that time on, it was a game with myself: how few words can I use to guide proper behavior?" and asking myself the question: what would Love do? I didn't do it perfectly, but my children know without a doubt that they are loved, and in the end, that was all that mattered to me.  

So, from these 3 thoughts, if we are trying to implement a change in our communication, the first and easy step to take would be to wait before we speak, right?  That one step does wonders!!   You’ll notice that there is a short prayer attached to this week's photo.  I call those little prayers "breath prayers" because they can be said with a breath and each breath we take is given by God.

So perhaps a practical take-away from today’s lesson is to take a breath and say a prayer…sometimes maybe a few prayers, lol.  It sounds like such a "Well, duh!" kind of thing to do, but can be so difficult to implement sometimes...especially when emotions are running high. But with God, all things ARE possible...even choosing to take that deep breath and be quiet!

Be Still and Know

**Posted the day after the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting in Newton, Connecticut that took place on December 14, 2012.   A 20 year old man shot and killed his mother in her home and then proceeded to a local elementary school where he opened fire killing 20 children, ages 6 and 7, and 6 adults before taking his own life.  This was the 2nd most deadly school shooting in U.S. history.**

Although I despise the evil of the tragedy that took place yesterday, I do love how it unites us...the whole country mourning for the lives of these precious souls in a time leading up to Christmas that should be nothing but full of celebrations.

This does, however, reinforce something that God has been talking to me about this week. In my quiet times this week of praying and talking to Him about interrupting, He also whispered to me in His comforting voice, "Jerolynn, you interrupt Me too".  Just writing those words down on this computer screen shakes me to my core.  It’s difficult to realize that I've missed out on vital information, loving rebukes, powerful encouragement, wise advice, and tender caressing while busying myself with useless activities. Don't get me wrong…I know that my life has moments of giving my all to Him, but my days are also filled with things my soul does not need, although my flesh thinks it does.

This has led me to pursue daily moments of stillness before Him like never before and never before have I been so overwhelmed by His peace in my life.  I've been focused not just on sending up my prayers, but asking and listening to Him lead me in my prayers. He is so faithful!

Now, more than ever before, in the midst of all these debates about this shooting, may I encourage all of you lovely ones to shut off the TV, stop surfing the internet, and sit in His lap and ask Him to help you understand all of this from a godly perspective.  Maybe you feel the need to do something....ask Him!  He will have the perfect idea and it's guaranteed to help you heal and to reach out to others.

~Jeri Heintz

Who Are You Known As?

“Wise words satisfy like a good meal; the right words bring satisfaction. The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.”

~Proverbs 18:20, 21 (NLT)

I have to say that my conversations this week have been really fun.  I've enjoyed being more intentional at listening and it must have an impact on the person speaking too, right? Wouldn't it be awesome to be known by people as a person who really listens and cares about what others say?

How is it going for all of you? I'd love to hear some stories.

~Jeri Heintz

Showing Value to Others

"Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions. Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish." 

~Proverbs 18:2,13 (NLT)

I'm sharing some wisdom from another source today that talks about communication and our culture.

“Show value to others – listen without interrupting”

By Joan Endicott, Idaho Press-Tribune 

“When any of us are sharing a story, thought or concern with another, we all feel frustrated when we are suddenly interrupted by another who seems to take over.
A common complaint customers have when rating a business is the feeling that 'nobody would really listen to them.' Even if someone started to listen, they were soon interrupted and never had the opportunity to finish what they wanted to say. 

To 'interrupt' means to halt the flow of a speaker or of a speaker’s utterance with a question or remark.  As children, most of us were taught to say 'please' and 'thank you,' not to chew with our mouth open, and not to interrupt others when they were talking. Sometimes we see more adults interrupting each other than we ever do children.  

The implication of an interruption is that the one interrupting feels they have something more important to share than does the one who is already speaking. It can be seen as selfish and disrespectful, which quickly shuts down any possibility for real communication. If we don’t respect what one person has to say, ultimately we are saying we don’t respect them enough to listen.  

Interrupting another person stops the flow of the message and prohibits the speaker from making their point. The speaker often loses his/her train of thought, while feeling his point was of little or no importance to the listener. Even if the speaker’s point is revisited later, the disrespect they feel lessens the effectiveness of the overall conversation. This can be any method of interruption — verbal, receiving a phone call or text, any method of interruption communicates a lack of respect. 

Many times people interrupt because they’re afraid that if they don’t say it right then, they might forget. They don’t mean for it to be disrespectful. If it is something that is important enough that you must remember, jot down a word or phrase to remind yourself of what you want to add when the other person is finished. This is especially helpful in meetings. The truth is, it is more important to be kind and show respect to others than it is to put in our two cents worth.  

Friends of mine have told me that the way they were raised, interrupting each other is just part of their 'culture.' They say, 'If we don’t interrupt, we’ll never get a word in edgewise. Because this is the way we communicate in our culture, nobody is offended.'
That works well only if everybody in the conversation is from the same culture and mindset. One of the most important priorities for good communication and healthy relationships (professionally and personally) is to ensure people feel that they and their opinion matter to us. 

If we keep practicing what we were taught as children, we’ll discover that basic manners and common courtesies win out.”

http://www.idahopress.com/business/show-value-to-others-listen-without-interrupting/article_5aa35e92-5db8-11e0-9b9e-001cc4c03286.html?mode=jqm

~Jeri Heintz

Are You Listening?

Have any of you been challenged yet this week?

I no longer have children at home and lately, my husband and I have barely seen each other in passing, so I'm waiting for the opportunity. I've noticed though, that I'm much more gracious at work than at home?!?!? (What's that about?) I'm also hoping my husband doesn't see this! :)  I thought I would list just a few basic things to think about in regards to effective listening.

You demonstrate that you are listening by:

• Your body language  

• Echoing thoughts and phrases

• Making eye contact  

• Nodding your head

• Leaning in toward the speaker 

• Keeping your body open 

Here's something else that I have been reminded of this week. Yesterday, I described the years of negative communication, angry insults, etc. that my husband and I practiced on a daily basis. Because of that history, it's really easy for me to assume that comments my husband makes are made with ill intentions instead of showing him grace...especially since I know that God has performed major changes in his life. So, it is vital that I really listen to what he is saying and clarify things before I jump to conclusions. That is when I need to live out this verse:

"It (love) is not rude, it is not self‑seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs."

~1 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV)

More specifically...not keeping any records of wrong.  Hmmmm...I'm trying, and I find that when I humble myself, it works really well and my husband always responds with love.  It's also helpful to come up with short prayers that you can quickly recall and say under your breath.  For today, I'll leave you with this:

"The words of a fool start fights; do him a favor and gag him...Fools are undone by their big mouths; their souls are crushed by their words." 

~Proverbs 18:6, 7 (MSG)

~Jeri Heintz

Let Wisdom Flow

"Many words rush along like rivers in flood, but deep wisdom flows up from Artesian springs."

~Proverbs 18:4 (MSG)

This verse reminds me of all the times I get into trouble when I let words flow without asking for God's wisdom first. It is so easy for humans to jump to conclusions and then suddenly those conclusions easily become facts…then my words "rush along like rivers in a flood".  We've seen evidence of the damage flood waters can do, right?  I've been very interested and focused on the damage that my words have done and I've asked God for help in making sure that I use words that give life, nurture, heal and build up rather than the words that tear down and destroy.

When I started praying about what God wanted me to write about this week and how I would apply His truths into my life more than I have been, it didn't take long for God to bring up a point to me. He said, "JeroLynn (He calls me JeroLynn), it isn't just with words that you interrupt your husband.  You do it by sighing and by rolling your eyes…even if you're rolling your eyes without him knowing it."

See, I tend to be passive aggressive.  That's not how God created me, but that's how I've become through some of the experiences I've had in life. God is in the process of restoring me, but we've only been at this for five years now. Before that, my husband and I had 20 years of bad communication, angry insults, unforgiveness, and bickering before we surrendered and started letting Him flavor our conversations.  So, I thought I had been doing pretty good until I heard the gentle words of my Heavenly Father a few weeks ago. I've learned the hard way that being humble and agreeing with God's way works amazingly well.  It might hurt in the moment (although brief in the grand scheme of things) but the outcome or end result is a peace I've never known before.  So, this is what I'm working on this week.  I'll let you know how it goes.  I'm certain that God will give me the ideal situation to try it out.

"Fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions."

~Proverbs 18:2

~Jeri Heintz

Week One: Listen Without Interrupting

Well, we're starting a new series today and I'm really excited, but I'm also a little anxious.  I've done a lot of praying over the last 2 years about loving the way God has created me to and I'm ready to stretch myself even more through this challenge. There's no subtle "testing out the waters" with this challenge because we start out with "Listen Without Interrupting." It is not by accident that I'm the chosen one to lead this week.  I struggle with interrupting. I've prayed the following verse every day for three years now.

 "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself." 

~Philippians 2:3 

As I thought about the challenge this week and gearing myself up to be a good listener, I quickly heard that accusing voice, "Ha, how can you be considering others better than yourself when you can't even let them finish a conversation." No, I'm not going to let the accuser discourage me. I've had too many miracles show up in my life and I know that the Potter is at work...the clay just needs a little softening.

That's where prayer comes in. It is supernatural to love the way Jesus did, but He lives in us, so it can be done. So, as you begin this week,

• Be determined; get your heart ready
• Pray, Pray and Pray for strength, courage and for reminders. Yes, it takes courage to love this way!
• Begin each day by focusing on how you are going to challenge yourself and really listen to others. Yes, even the ones who are really irritating...actually, especially them.

We'd love to hear your stories of how you've been a successful listener as well as your struggles.  We are all in this together and want to encourage you in the tough times and celebrate in the victories.  Remember:

POWER-STRENGTH-COURAGE-NO FEAR!!!

IN JESUS NAME, LOVE SUPERNATURALLY!!

~Jeri Heintz